Comments on: Dongtini — Episode 36

By: paul

paul — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 10:08:39 +0000

Simone, what a wonderful thing you did telling your husband about the driving thing. Often, in the absence of love, there is this power struggle that goes on in a relationship… particularly our most intimate ones. Who is the best, or after time, the less fucked up. Why not compete over who loves the best? That becomes a mind bending proposal when considered, it has layers. Playing with loving as a ‘competition’ is a way of tricking oneself out of substituting the idea that we’re better than someone else… something we do in an attempt to fill the need/want for love space. Asserting our superiority is an effort to convince that we are worthy of love. Every fucking thing hinges on our drive/need/want for love. I’m convinced it’s by far the biggest drive in humans.

Regarding inconceivable whole hog honesty. We punish honesty because of our own insecurity. If it’s an area where we feel secure, we can be magnanimous (that whole mirror thing). Have you ever seen the film “Dead Man Walking?” It’s an amazing story of a person loving the ‘unlovable’ and her struggles to pull it all off. Culture decides and measures offense. We imprison a person for harming a child sexually, but let the person who pushes the Happy Meal (a slow poisonous death) live in a mansion. Not a perfect comparison, but making a point. It’s impossible for that person to say “I know it’s wrong, but I’m really attracted to children” because there is no one for them to say it to. I think the answer is for ‘me’ to become the person to whom anyone can say such things. When we look at society as the problem, it’s way to big to solve… we cannot control how another acts (though that doesn’t keep us from trying ). But it seems when we think of our self as society, the problem becomes more fixable.

By: Simone

Simone — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 07:09:31 +0000

Paul, I read this this morning and have been thinking about it all day. It would be so much easier if we could all let our guards down and be honest about stuff without the fear of being unloved. When it comes to things where we are upset with things others do, reminding ourselves that we do the same goddamned thing is so important to admit to help us forgive others and ourselves. Just a couple of weeks ago I did something driving 20 times worse than the way my husband does it and I go off at him for. He wasn’t there, but I told him what I did so he could remind me if I ever scold him again, but in just having done so, it has stopped me in tracks every time. That’s an example of not being afraid to be vulnerable and reaping benefits from it.

Having said all that though, I was thinking about a way in which going the whole hog with honesty is inconceivable the way things are, and that’s when you see people failing in ways that you don’t. Obviously you can say “Well, I don’t do that, but I do this. We all fuck up.” but in an extreme case, what if someone needs to be open and say “I know it’s wrong, but I’m really attracted to children.” It seems completely impossible for someone to be able to do that, and yet, if people were able to, it might save so many victims of abuse. That’s an extreme, but devastating example of shame, concealment, and lying causing serious destruction.

By: paul

paul — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 13:22:53 +0000

Simone, Yes. We have built a whole culture on lying. Madison Avenue is very cognizant of the basic human need (and drive) for love, and has exploited it masterfully (‘if you’d only drive this car, others will think you’re spiffy’). When you step back and look at it all, it kinda slaps you in the face. We formulate ideas of what we think other people like and approve of, then we build an image to project to meet the approval of those whose approval we want. That’s delusion and illusion. We have this whole construct where we try to live on imitation love instead of understanding and finding ways to develop the real thing. But the image we construct to protect us actually ends up keeping us from getting the real thing and thus destroys us… or at least leaves us very malnourished.
“this person still loves you even though they know what you’re scared of and when you’re an asshole.” I love this insight and how you connect scared to asshole. If we would all just study the nature of love a little, get familiar with it, this could all be easier. The thing is, someone has to go first, overcome fear, At any point in time we have these choices whether to act out of fear or not. I try to remember and practice that “asshole” is not a permanent state of being, that we are all capable of acting like an asshole at any moment… so I try to remember to extend grace to someone who is having an asshole moment. Doing that creates a door for the person to escape their fear that precipitated that particular asshole moment . I don’t always “remember” to do this because of my own fears, but when I do and am brave it can be magical. If we all understood the principle and all tried to practice it, things would get better. But again, it’s gotta start with the only one we have any control over. “me”

“killer meatloaf.” funny how some colloquialisms are double entendre’s. It seems most comfort food will ‘kill’ us. The serving size could also solve world hunger.

By: Eugene

Eugene — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 06:15:05 +0000

I know! What were the odds?!

By: Kate Jones

Kate Jones — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 03:16:26 +0000

I feel the same way about the God remarks now, too. I was out to lunch with my family today, and they all held hands and prayed before the meal. They didn’t bother trying to hold my hands. It was both awkward and alienating. Being an “atheist atheist” is probably something like that. The point at which you’re not even expected to partake in the rituals even to humor the situation.

By: Simone

Simone — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 02:49:40 +0000

I guess it comes from mixed influences. Australian accents are clearly derived from the Cockney accents of the convicts who first (white) populated the country. My own is a fruity mix of Australian, Sri Lankan and American so I really should start my own country. The dialect will be called “Simalese”.

By: Simone

Simone — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 02:47:37 +0000

I forgot to mention that your avatar looks like a dong.

By: Simone

Simone — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 02:46:36 +0000

It’s not supposed to enlarge! That’s it. Sorry you can’t click to see the dong.

By: Simone

Simone — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 02:45:53 +0000

Paul, I loved this comment so much. So many of the lies or parts of us we conceal is done so out of a fear that people wont love us if they see the truth about is. It’s so hard to find the comfort with people to do that, but when you do, it’s such a great relief and the love is extra good because you know this person still loves you even though they know what you’re scared of and when you’re an asshole.

Re: Cheesecake Factory, I’ll have someone validate that. The sentence just made me distrust Cheesecake Factory though, I must say.

By: Simone

Simone — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 02:40:31 +0000

Maybe “atheist atheist” means the annoying kind that gets in everyone’s face about it? Anyway, glad you didn’t have to go through that alone! Someone to relate to makes all the difference.