When I go to my mother's assembly of God church every year (Christmas) I have to yoga breathe through the whole thing.

It's only from the help of my therapist that I am able to stop myself from saying "If only I could go back in time and shake myself out of Christian culture world".

Time heals and everyday gets better and maybe one day, I'll want to go to church again without feeling panicky, scared and anxious-

And Stephy, you're definitely not alone in the CC PTSD department or in the weird paradox of wanting to scream at people and beat the living shit out of them (ok, so that's how I feel) while simultaneously recognizing that you're encountering a younger version yourself. Sitting with the both/and that I was both the abused and the perpetrator just plain hurts.

Your reaction to going back to a place that you felt was in CC was totally understandable. For you it will bring back too many memories of what was done to you and what you were for you to relax and be comfortable. I think you were very brave to go back; even to hear the wonderful Eugene Peterson. Your only hope of getting through was to be critical – that was your defence mechanism. I don't know how mixed race Seattle is but London is very mixed and to have "blacks" there just for the music would ring alarm bells in my brain.

Finally thank you for saying how difficult it is for you when you remember what you were like in CC. That lines up with my post breakdown experience of knowing I have changed and cringing at how I used to be – it is very helpful to know that I'm not alone in this experience.